Update 37:

Taking off the training wheels.

I learnt at a young age the importance of training wheels. I learnt how to propel myself and used the wheels to look after balance. I did not have brakes figured out though, and careened down one of the steep hills on the homestead. Luckily an apple tree (apple trees are notorious for their not so smooth or forgiving bark) welcomed my face and stopped me from continuing down the hill and into either the pond or another tree at an even higher speed. Hidden under this beard is a rather lovely scar stretching across my chin.

I’m not exactly sure why I told you this, other than this is part of me and my fabric. I remember the experience quite vividly, I remember the fragrance of the lilac bushes, and the bodacious trillium flowers in the orchard. I remember the gold/yellow bike with the banana seat and that I had to stop the pedals to brake, which was likely hard to do as I doubt my feet were any longer on the pedals, as they windmilled around at top speed.

Maybe if I hadn’t used the damned training wheels I wouldn’t have had the balance to smash into the tree. I’m pretty proud of that scar though, chicks dig scars (or so they say).

Damned. I started this off trying to frame a metaphor for what I want to talk about and got carried away in the bliss of memory. So I’ll get to the point.

At each point in my life I attempt to stand more fully on my feet, to be more and more the man that I am and whom I wish to be. This is how I do me. I’m propelled. I have an inner drive that has often been insatiable. As I write that, I reword it, I don’t like how real that is for me. I tell myself that I should relax more, be less driven, chill out bro, smell the roses, float the river. I’m learning to take the time to recharge and fill my bucket.

I’m digressing again. What is going on? First time I can let it slide. Second time… not so easily. I’m pretty excited about how I want to stand more fully on my feet now. And perhaps my excitement is bubbling and it’s coming out of my fingers as I type this.

So here it is.

A dear friend, Karla, texted me last week and said “wanna start another check-in group with me” I said “sure.” About 16 months ago I suggested the idea of creating a check-in group for those of us that had done either/or Phase 1 and 2 at The Haven in the fall of 2012. It ran its course and by the fall of 2013 we weren’t hosting groups anymore. I was a little perplexed about what she was talking about since I had a pretty good sense that something was up. When she called I got it.

What if we create a group where we actually take the time to get to know each other? Where we are given the opportunity to show ourselves and reveal ourselves and show up with who we are right now. I’ve often, and still do, tell myself that if you really knew all of me then you wouldn’t love me. I wrote a post (Update 35) that ties to this quite clearly for me. There are things that I will do that will make it really hard for you to like me. Yet, buried underneath the behaviour, the sanctity of love exists.

In some of my relationships I’ve had what I thought in the moment were the most atrocious acts bestowed on me. And man, did I ever hurt, and 9.9 times out of 10 I exhibited my own behaviour and reaction that was equally as atrocious. This is how I often get stuck, or get in my own way. I have friends and those that I love and those that love me that I connect with and reveal myself to and ask for feedback. Often I like to fool myself into thinking I need to do it all by myself. When I reach out to other, I learn that, holy doodle there are so many more perspectives and options than I had thought of.

What I’ve learnt for me is that often the most loving act someone can offer me, is to have the courage to say the thing that I don’t want to hear. I still rankle at the delivery of the message, and while I don’t always show it in the moment, I am often grateful for their honesty and loving later.  

So, I’m stepping forward without my training wheels (in this moment) with an understanding of how to steer, how to apply my brakes, and how to propel myself. This does not mean that I won’t crash, or tumble. It just means I’m willing to take that risk and explore.

When we talked about how we wanted the invitation to be worded we stumbled around the desire to make the intention sound palatable. I mean, talking about love and loving can sound pretty hoity toity, and come across as righteous and arrogant. As least those would be my judgements. And then, if we’re going to be as direct as calling the group ‘Taking off the training wheels’ we might as well be direct enough to say that we’re here with this intention to foster love and loving and allow for and invite the ways we get in our own way.

Karla and I are about to send an email with an invitation to this group. Please email me if you’re interested in joining and have not received the email from her or I in the next week or so.

If you’d like to learn more about Karla and how she stands forward visit her website, check out her art (and her expression of her soul) and her blog, on how she relates to defending herself from loving.

http://www.artistkarlaosborne.com/

FYI that is actually a picture of my brother on a bike not too different to the one I was on. 

Update 36:

Hmm. What to say today.

Reflecting on my adult life, I’ve noticed I would have said that I didn’t really like who I was. I mean I would have enjoyed whatever I was doing, surfing, skiing, hanging with friends, partying, dancing, travelling, the list goes on… and I wouldn’t have actually liked me as a person in those moments.

There always had to be something more, I had to be better in some way shape or form. Smarter, clearer, better at communication, a better job, or a different girlfriend. I just wasn’t good enough as the person I was in that moment. Not in the sense for another person, more, not good enough for me. I’d set some pretty high standards, and every time I achieved one, I’d set one higher, and if I didn’t achieve one I’d beat myself harder and set it higher still.

I feel tense and my breathing even shallows as I write this. Jesus, I was pushing myself. Striving, achieving, ugh… what a toll my body took in that. From the sports, to work, to stress, I really gave myself a workout for sure.

And now sitting here today after helping facilitate an intensive 25 day program focusing of self identity, self responsibility and self awareness, I am actually walking the talk. Man, I’ve been for one hell of a ride. I can appreciate and love who I am today. I have gratitude for my path thus far journeyed. I have so much compassion and appreciation for who I am and how I walk now.

Seventeen months ago I was a participant in this very program, that’s less than a year half. I was pretty shut down, fragmented, locked away, stuck, armoured and resistant to seeing who I am, how I be. I’ve been quite the asshole from time to time. I didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t want to see my shadow, nor the beasts lurking within.

Since that program I’ve been exploring my darkness, my shadow, and my light, and all the treasures that lay within. I’ve been a rocky road, barren landscapes, battlefields, and wounded soldiers, I haven’t been pretty, I wasn’t clean, I wasn’t linear or predictable. Now I’m wondering if my time in red has come to an end.

Three days ago, and I left after my first internship of that very program I started with. My how things have changed. How much I’ve grown, opened and experienced. I actually love who I am and how I show up these days. Sure I still have days where this isn’t my experience, but they’ve become more the exception than the norm.

The shift has been in my emotional landscapes. The rocky roads now graded, the barren landscapes tilled, sowed and fertile, battlefields commemorated, fallen soldiers grieved, the wars put in the museum. I still have areas I wish to explore, ways to improve, growing to continue; and, I’m with the experience that I actually like who I am today, with growth and learning which have shifted to a desire and want instead of a desperate need.