Update 36:

Hmm. What to say today.

Reflecting on my adult life, I’ve noticed I would have said that I didn’t really like who I was. I mean I would have enjoyed whatever I was doing, surfing, skiing, hanging with friends, partying, dancing, travelling, the list goes on… and I wouldn’t have actually liked me as a person in those moments.

There always had to be something more, I had to be better in some way shape or form. Smarter, clearer, better at communication, a better job, or a different girlfriend. I just wasn’t good enough as the person I was in that moment. Not in the sense for another person, more, not good enough for me. I’d set some pretty high standards, and every time I achieved one, I’d set one higher, and if I didn’t achieve one I’d beat myself harder and set it higher still.

I feel tense and my breathing even shallows as I write this. Jesus, I was pushing myself. Striving, achieving, ugh… what a toll my body took in that. From the sports, to work, to stress, I really gave myself a workout for sure.

And now sitting here today after helping facilitate an intensive 25 day program focusing of self identity, self responsibility and self awareness, I am actually walking the talk. Man, I’ve been for one hell of a ride. I can appreciate and love who I am today. I have gratitude for my path thus far journeyed. I have so much compassion and appreciation for who I am and how I walk now.

Seventeen months ago I was a participant in this very program, that’s less than a year half. I was pretty shut down, fragmented, locked away, stuck, armoured and resistant to seeing who I am, how I be. I’ve been quite the asshole from time to time. I didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t want to see my shadow, nor the beasts lurking within.

Since that program I’ve been exploring my darkness, my shadow, and my light, and all the treasures that lay within. I’ve been a rocky road, barren landscapes, battlefields, and wounded soldiers, I haven’t been pretty, I wasn’t clean, I wasn’t linear or predictable. Now I’m wondering if my time in red has come to an end.

Three days ago, and I left after my first internship of that very program I started with. My how things have changed. How much I’ve grown, opened and experienced. I actually love who I am and how I show up these days. Sure I still have days where this isn’t my experience, but they’ve become more the exception than the norm.

The shift has been in my emotional landscapes. The rocky roads now graded, the barren landscapes tilled, sowed and fertile, battlefields commemorated, fallen soldiers grieved, the wars put in the museum. I still have areas I wish to explore, ways to improve, growing to continue; and, I’m with the experience that I actually like who I am today, with growth and learning which have shifted to a desire and want instead of a desperate need.