Motorbikes and My Life Mentality

Somehow things happen in life that seem at times a bit too uncanny. I read a book called “Hills End” when I was really young; the main dude in the book was super cool and had a Honda 500 motorbike. Many years later I turned 16 and bought my first motorbike, a Honda 500, I might not have been super cool but at least I had the bike. Lot’s more of these things happened that I choose not write about here for your sake. But the biggest one to date would be what I decided to do last September. I decided then that I would work for MSF and go to the Congo. I was so confident that I would work for MSF that I told people that I would be doing so, long before I even applied let alone interviewed. I wanted to go to the Congo and said I would be, before getting a contract. Here I am in the Congo, with MSF. Dreams can come true.

I still respect and can understand you if you think of me as one that told a mistruth. As I told folks that I would do these things before I did them. I can see why you would think this way. I have noticed however that as time goes on, and experiences amount, that I really have been able to become the person that I wanted to be, and have done what I wanted to do. I really wanted my dreams to be realized, to achieve these dreams I went in the only direction I knew, to go forth and blunder through whatever obstacles arose along the way. I had no idea what problems I and I alone would encounter on my path. But I do know now that I can be who I want to be, if I have the dedication.

To be frank (and not the person) I can’t tell you that I know where I am going any more or less than you. I can’t predict the future, and I would be quite surprised if there are those that have the ability. I have had many dreams, with the big ones realized, for a while it was to become an Engineer, to have a stable, secure job that would more or less guarantee a more or less easy lifestyle. The thing with life for me is that once I have realized a goal; I get bored and need to find a new goal. I think I have discovered and am working towards attaining the goal that will set me free. I don’t know if I will ever actually get there, or if anyone ever does, but the voyage along the way is and will be worth it in any case.

For those that have known me at various stages in life, and more than likely the same applies to most, high school peers would say that I changed between high school and university, university friends would say that I changed between university and where I am today. To this effect I believe I am not unique. We all change in some ways. For some the change can be gradual, subtle and sub-conscious, for others it can be relatively rapid, stark, obvious and conscious; but nevertheless it usually occurs.

The changes that I went through prior to 2007 were of the sub-conscious and subtle variety without leading necessarily to any substantial benefit or detriment to my person. Following the culmination of the relationship with my first love, the personal changes that I chose to make were of the conscious, and to me the stark and obvious, array. What I experienced following the break-up was what I now consider the most defining period in my life. I needed, and wanted to change. I was tired of the person that I was. I was bored, and I had achieved the goal that I had set forth about 8 years previously (Engineering).

From my understanding a lot of us of the newer generation, those recently graduating from university (especially career oriented students), go through what is called the “quarter-life crisis.” Books have been written on the subject so I won’t elaborate; suffice to say that many people don’t even realize that they are far from alone. For many, the goal to go to university to get a “proper” education and find a “good” job starts early and to achieve this goal, many work hard for years. After graduation, a job is found, the goal/dream is attained and hence many are left wondering what next. Many do not enjoy their jobs, it isn’t what they expected or they have some other explanation for their emotional unease and un-directed ambition. I realize that I use the word many without any form of proof or statistics, all I have are my experiences, and those of my friends, peers and colleagues who have had similar accounts.

For my so-called “quarter life crisis” the problem wasn’t a lack of meaningful employment. I really liked my job and grew very fond of the people at the company. I am pretty sure that a long and prosperous employment would have been likely. I suppose one of my philosophies at this stage, good or bad, is that I don’t particularly want to be an expert in anything just yet, I don’t feel like that is my place in life. I prefer on the other hand to be pretty good at a lot of things, than great at any one thing. I don’t doubt that if someday I find something that I want to become an expert on, I will be able to do so.

On the personality front however, things were barely hanging together. Mentally and emotionally I was a wreck, with the support of my employment helping in no subtle way to keep me together. The pieces of life that I had conjoined in an attempt to make sense of things through the course of growing up had themselves grown into an extremely unstable and shaky structure. I didn’t like the person that I had grown into; I missed the Daniel in me. Most of the people that I met rarely saw him, friends saw him slightly more frequently, he got lost when I was really young, and Dan took his place. The difference in names may sound simple, or perhaps even a bit schizophrenic, but it is monumental in my efforts to return to my roots, to be the person that I know I can be.

Through the course of the past year or so, I have been choosing to live life in a constant state of growth. Choosing to change, to grow spiritually and to rework my consciousness was the cause of my period of serious yet temporary depression. I personally had to (metaphorically if not somewhat literally speaking) destroy the previously mentioned structure or fabric that I was made of. The structure of building blocks or pieces of life that had made me who I was required complete demolition. This process was immensely painful, and without the help of the most wonderful counsellor I am sure it would have been close to, if not completely, unbearable.

Through the course of the last year or two I have been able to sift through the rubble of personal debris that was the result of this personal choice. Pieces that didn’t fit together before found new homes; the blocks were shifted into a more coherent and meaningful manner. Through months of work, and continued to this day, I analysed my behaviour, outlooks, attitude, and ability to extend myself and constantly strive towards the greater good: to contribute to humanity. My goals have significantly changed, and while I am proud of the person that I have evolved into, I know that I had much help along the way. Strangers smile at me for no apparent reason. I leave lasting impressions on people I meet, as they leave substantial memories with me as well. Friendships or relationships formed are no longer shallow and superficial, but tend to be deep, meaningful and heartfelt.

When I embarked on the path of spiritual growth and evolution I had no idea where it would lead. I just knew that it was the right goal for me to pursue. If, as I stated earlier, I tend to easily become bored when goals are achieved; why not set upon a goal that would likely be very difficult to attain. A goal that would likely not leave me bored after attaining it.

My current knowledge and experience indicates that I only have the life that I am living; perhaps there is an afterlife, or re-incarnation. To me what happened before and what happens next is more or less irrelevant in the sense of everyday living. What I mean by that is that I try to live today as today, I want to experience the world, to learn, to grow, or in short, TO LIVE.

Tomorrow will bring with it what it may. I try to live everyday as though it may be my last, to be clear I call it the life mentality and not the death mentality. It is a newer mentality for me, although I have always lived with the principle of never doing anything that I may regret, and consequently never regretting anything I do. But the life mentality expands on that, and I am by no means pioneering this methodology as I think that I first read about the idea in a book called “The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari.” But life mentality explained; means to live today in a way that if I woke up dead tomorrow there would not be anything that I would have rather have done with my life. That I leave every person I meet with a good and true impression of me, and that I more or less live by the Golden Rule.

Inevitably, I sometimes still leave a bad impression on someone, or get angry with someone without due cause, or screw up in some other way. I have not yet perfected this way of life in all aspects, but I am quite good at it already, and it is so worth it. A few times I have been asked questions like If you could be anything or be anywhere in the world, what or where would that be? The answer is always the same, without exception or hesitation: here. I would be somewhere else or doing the other thing if that was what I wanted.

Although I have attained employment with MSF, that was never my goal. MSF is a means to an end. I have stated in a previous post that I do not intend on changing the world, at least not yet (hahaha), as I do not have the expertise, knowledge or experience to be able to do so in a way that would benefit earth-kind. My goal, for now, is to alleviate suffering in populations rampant with destitution. Since my current posting is more a training mission than anything else, I probably will not be able to fulfill my objective in any observable manner.

When I started writing this posting it actually had a completely different tone. I had no intent of writing what is written and I hesitate to put it on the blog. Somehow and for some reason I can’t explain, I feel it is my responsibility or duty. I strongly believe in being open and not having secrets. While it can sometimes be violently hurtful, discovering or uncovering the truth early on, the early discovery usually makes the information easier to digest in the long term.

I am definitely not attempting to preach, or to tell anyone how one should live their life. Too many people offer advice freely without really taking the time or making the effort to understand where the individual is coming from. I am also not saying that the way that I live should be followed by anyone. Nor am I suggesting that self-reflection or counselling or spiritual growth is necessarily your path. The purpose of this posting is to explain to you as clearly and as succinctly as I can in a brief manuscript some of the choices that I have made along the way, why I made them and the result/effect.

Furthermore, I can remember being significantly lost for quite some time and turning around in circles trying to determine which way to go. I remember not being able to find answers in anyone else’s words or advice. No one could help me get out of where I was, and trust me when I say that I left no friend in peace with phone calls at all hours of the day. To those friends, I am forever in gratitude for your patience, time and love that you showed me. I found out what real friends are for. That might be one of the many reasons why I continuously strive to form deep and lasting friendships to this day. True friends are irreplaceable.

But, when it all boils down to it, friends could not solve my problems. They were unable to walk in my shoes; they can understand, be compassionate, and listen empathically, and on the whole they may have helped me through the experiences. But they were not and never will be me. I alone am the master of myself, it is me that will walk in my shoes, come what may, thick or thin until death do I part.

I alone am responsible for my growth, to expand my horizons, to live. No one can do it for me. There is no icing to put on the cake, that is the blunt and honest truth. I can get through just about anything now though, no matter the breakdown, no matter how hopeless it may appear, that is one of the things that I have learnt, there is usually a way. So if I have the will, evolve, it is worth more than I can dream of.

While you may or may not gain anything from this posting, its purpose is to provide a possible option of guidance during a time of difficulty. I did not elaborate on the feelings I experienced during the course of the past but you can be assured that some were unbelievably annihilating. I remember periods of time so bleak that even the blues that accompany the Vancouver rains were analogous to the sunniest summer day on the beach in comparison. Or of times of blind fury. Or of times where the future was so blurry it didn’t look like it was there. But through Grace, or fortune, or perseverance, or dedication, or through the words of loved ones, or maybe even God I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and am able to dance to the Congolese beat today. To say the least, there is not a place in the world that I would rather be than dancing, laughing, singing, and rejoicing in all that life has offered. For without the bad I would not know the greatness in good.

With love and hope for the best in your future.