Update 32:

What an interesting and hopeful world this is!!! I am so grateful for all of the experiences that it offers me!!!! I want to share this most powerful one with you, but first; business.

I have to fill you in a bit. I have been writing the odd update here and there. But I haven’t posted them. I can’t really explain why, other than they just didn’t feel right. They started to sound more like rants and less helpful or entertaining and I felt there was no real benefit to putting them out to the world.

I am writing this one right now because I feel really good and would love to share that with you. In the past I’ve tried to share the feelings of ice cold showers on the side of a hill in the South of France; of the heat of the Sudanese desert; of the love of the Congolese and experiences in between.

Today I want to try to share the love that courses my veins. Hey, don’t get all lala on me ok. Try it out; hang in there! It’s not all lovey dovey harlequin romance jazz, there is some serious self-love going on too!!! Get your mind out of the gutter.

When I stopped working for MSF, I knew that what I needed to do was re-assimilate into the western world. My time abroad had taught me this super valuable lesson. Experiences in the heart of Africa taught me I had some personal growth to achieve if I was to ever be the man that I wanted to be in this world.

So I set forth on a journey to re-assimilate. I needed to find a job, I needed the security of a stable income and a job that I loved doing; a big part of my identity was tied up in my career. I somehow knew (trusted in the Universe) that when the time was right and I had stabilized myself, re-established friendships, assimilated into a community; that an opportunity would present itself that would enable the growth/personal evolution that I was seeking. I specifically remember telling my mother shortly before moving to Vancouver Island that something big would happen in my life in the next two years.

In a month two years will have come and gone. Something big has happened. A couple things actually.

1. I fell in love; and the lovely lady that I fell in love with somehow felt the same!!!

2. I was presented with personal challenges in this relationship that accelerated/were the catalyst for me returning to my previously mentioned journey of personal evolution.

3. I met an individual (Paul) that had/has the key to the block in personal growth that I’d kept running into and not been able to overcome; and then barrelled headfirst into this path of self-discovery. After all I want to offer this lovely lady and all that I come across my gifts, and not my past survival mechanisms.

So, I went to my first session with Paul two weeks ago. We found some hurt in me, hurt that no one caused. Experiences in my formative years that we all experience; or so I think… But I needed to come to terms with my past. I was tired of who I’d become. I wanted to offer more. I wanted to give my gifts but I kept running into that damned wall and not knowing how to get through it.

Paul helped me reprogram my brain, my synapses and my re-activities. His theory for me is that I’ve got survival down; so shift my raison d’etre from survival to spiritual well-being. So get rid of the past old programs that were helpful getting me to where I am today, but load new programs that I boot up every morning, midday and evening that focus on happiness, positivity, self worth and spiritual well-being.

This is my journey, not necessarily one that everyone can relate to. Perhaps some of this might be a bit hippy trippy for you, and hey man, no worries. It’s what I gots to do for me!!! If you’re interested; read on!

Paul and I quickly traced my 4-phase self-destructive cycle. It was pretty simple.

Phase 1: I liked to think of myself as a saviour. Batman. A Dark Knight. Protecting the good from the evil. Saving those in distress, those that need saving. It turns out it’s really difficult or possibly even impossible to save others from themselves. So I’d burn out and head into Phase 2.

Phase 2: I’d then turn into Daniel without Borders on the work front; since I couldn’t feel loved when Phase 1 didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. So to feel loved and appreciated, needed and wanted I’d say yes to anything at work. Hell yeah the arctic in the winter sounds awesome!!! What? No power, no running water? No worries man!! You need me, I’ll do it!!! Oh, while I’m up there you need me to do this too? Ok, sure. Oh and that as well? Of course, I’d love to… and on and on… until I snap and welcome Phase 3.

Phase 3: Bull in a china shop. Volatility, napalm. Burnt out Cowboy doesn’t feel loved because he isn’t able to set boundaries because he wants to be loved oh so bad… Cowboy didn’t know how to express himself and his feelings and emotions responsibly. Boom, blow up. Feel really guilty about it and head off to Phase 4.

Phase 4: Escapism. Chill out man. You can do this, all you need is love man! Yeah bud, with love you can conquer all right. Hey, just love a bit harder. Love a bit more and it’ll all come together man! Just be love man! Yeah, you’ve chilled out now, you can probably be Batman and save again!!! Enter Phase 1 all over again.

Paul and I both agreed that perhaps I could establish a new cycle that over-rides this old one. Perhaps a cycle could be established that allowed me to find self-worth anchored in myself and not in others interpretations in myself. Perhaps a cycle that has boundaries set within it that helps me value myself more. Perhaps a cycle that allows me to express my feelings and emotions responsibly. A cycle that has no need for escapism. Actually no more cycles.

Paul helped me remove this old cycle, helped me anchor my self-worth within, helped me say goodbye to Batman, Daniel without Borders, the Bull in the China Shop and escapism.

Through the past two weeks I’ve had opportunities that have tested each one of the old phases. While they still want to rear their ugly heads, I am confident in each instance and can respond with love, instead of an unguided reaction. It’s been an awesome and super positive two weeks. I’ve had a lot on my plate and have been able to juggle it all really well. Better than ever before.

And tonight. Well tonight, I was presented with a challenging situation where each element of the outdated cycle had the opportunity to come out and play. And wow, Cowboy, you did it!!! You were the well-rooted tree in the forest with winds that were trying to blow you down, yet you remain in place, unscathed, not a branch missing nor leaf separated from stem.

I am aware that there were still areas to grow, ways to better respond and communication that can improve. But for the first time in my life I walked the line!!! Cowboy Up!!!! Yeah.

I wanted to share this with you, because for me, hearing stories like this help me with hope, with faith. It’s all-attainable. It’s all-doable. Never give up. Persevere and your dreams become your reality. This is a post that I feel worthy of posting. I hope you enjoyed, or reflected, or felt that this was time well wasted!!! Cowboy out.