Update 35:

I might not like you,

in how you are and be,

but I really like you,

even love you for who you are as a person,

a being, a human, a human being.

Update 34:

It’s May, 2013, one in the morning on a beautiful spring evening. All is well in the Universe.

For the first time since I started this process I see another paradigm. I see a new landscape in which to live my life. It seemingly doesn’t actually matter where I am or what I do in this new paradigm. It’s f@#king beautiful. It’s abundant. It’s beautiful (I’m aware I’m repeating myself). It’s nothing like where I’ve been living for the past couple of decades.

I don’t have the answers. I am not all seeing. I can’t even see through my own veils of self and ego, all (or even a portion) of the time. At the same time I have a clearer picture, I see through the murky stew. I realize my soul. In this moment I pop my head up for air, and recognize that, contrary to what I may have thought, I wasn’t drowning. I can/could breathe and live even while in the stew. In that primordial stew I was/am learning and growing and preparing for the becoming of the man I wish to be, the man I actually am but have been hiding from.

Nepo said it well, I’ll paraphrase (sorry dude if I’m not doing you justice, but then in reality is there such thing as justice in this realm?? ;) )… When we are in the stormy seas that is life and we are on a crest to take a look around and survey the scene, acknowledge it, appreciate the experience of the crest and allow for it. Take the memory of the crest to our soul. When we follow the rhythm of our seas whether be crest or trough or anywhere in between we can remain in memory of this experience. Not so much to hold onto it; more remember the duality, or continuum that is life.

I’m being metaphoric and ambiguous. On purpose. This was my awakening. I am barely able to believe that it actually is happening. That there was purpose, meaning and value in this stew that I’ve created. This is a massive shift. I can hardly contain myself. I want to scream to the mountains that I am here! That my presence matters! That I MATTER! TO ME!!!!!!

I can live again!!

Update 33:

It’s been almost a year since my last post. It’s been one heck of a year. Again. This post will be interpreted as it will be, I’m learning I am not as omnipotent as I once thought and can’t actually decide how you will interpret it. The shine that I sometimes exude may not be there, and yet, deeper and more thoroughly it can be found if you look hard enough.

Simply put: I’m struggling. I’m struggling to stay afloat. I’m a boat adrift in an ocean, with waves crashing from each direction attempting vainly to capsize my vessel; the wind is unpredictable and threatens to wrench me from my hold. My rudder is ineffective and I keep trying to use power and it is of no use without the ability to direct myself. It’s almost a lost cause, yet the one thing keeping me from drowning is Faith. Faith that this is a storm in life. Faith that I will get through it. Faith that I am able.

Oh and it’s dark. There is little light and the waves so massive and looming that my sight is diminished. Somehow through it all I recognize that this is not actually a fight to survive, I know I can survive, it’s more than that; it is part of my journey in learning how to live. I have options. I can run. I can get away. I can call in a rescue. I have the money. I have the skills. AND it’s not about that, I do not want to do that.

 I just have to keep telling myself day-by-day, moment-by-moment, that this is my life. That I am learning. That the storm will abate. That I won’t need power. That I can sit in the strength of insecurity, knowing that survival I have down and living is my new challenge.

That being said, I want to tell you what the darkness is like. The intention behind telling you about the darkness is many-fold:

1. I believe that we all experience it at some time in our life, some more than others and that in hearing anothers experience it can perhaps allow some solace in yourself knowing that you are not alone.
2. I want to show you my self-hate, or at least what I know of it to date, perhaps it will give you a better insight into me.
3. In getting it out and expressing it, there is less of it that I repress.
4. To show you the self-compassion side of me when I’m in self-hate, as apparently it’s important not to remain fixated in self-hate, or perhaps in anything…

Self-hate (excuse the profanity, and if you can’t then don’t read further)

I hate my life. I hate being alone. I hate having so many fucking problems and issues to work through. I hate myself. I hate how I’ve let myself down so much, how I’ve minimized myself all to feel the love of another. I hate how I’ll abandon myself in pursuit of an intimate relationship. I hate how I’ll isolate myself in pretence of maintaining an intimate relationship. I fucking hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate everyone and everything. It’s all everyone else’s fault. It couldn’t all be resting on my shoulders could it? I want out. I don’t want to go to work in the morning. I don’t want to ski. I don’t want to surf. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to worry about food all the time and where I’ll get my next meal. Blah blah blah blah…

Self-compassion

I actually really do love my life. It’s pretty neat. I’ve been really blessed and have some amazing friends and a great family. I’m taking a journey that most don’t understand; I don’t think that even I do at times. I don’t know what lies in store for me around tomorrows corner. I can’t tell you what I’ll be doing in a week, in a month, in a year. I’m more than ok with that. Such is life. I’ve got great health, no aches, and no pains. I have friends that support and care about me. AND I choose this path. I want it. I don’t want to stay stuck in my old paradigms of survival. I’ve done that. They don’t work for life. I understand that pain is part of the pursuit. I accept it.

This is my life. I don’t know how to do it better than I am doing it. I am learning. I have a lot to learn. I am committed to learning, to growing, to conscious evolution. It is my path right now. It is taking a fairly intense toll on me, but no worse than any of the other paths I’ve taken in my varied past.

 I sit here in this moment wondering whether to post this or not. To what purpose will it serve? Am I doing it for others? If so, what is the intention? If I’m doing it for me, then again, what is the intention?

I sit and breathe. I get it. I want to post it for me, so that I can reach out and ask for love; so that I can be reminded from those that read this that they care. That’s it, I’m asking for love. In receiving your messages I have always found or interpreted that what you send is love; that you believe that I am worth it.

I look forward to the day that I deeply and inherently know this and don’t have to so field dependent and have to ask. AND I will also give myself a pat on the back for my awareness and acknowledgement of why I want to send this, for accepting the reason and for posting this with this knowing. YES! YES! YES! AND as importantly, I am letting go of the outcome, and offering space for you to have your reaction and/or response.