Update 37:

Taking off the training wheels.

I learnt at a young age the importance of training wheels. I learnt how to propel myself and used the wheels to look after balance. I did not have brakes figured out though, and careened down one of the steep hills on the homestead. Luckily an apple tree (apple trees are notorious for their not so smooth or forgiving bark) welcomed my face and stopped me from continuing down the hill and into either the pond or another tree at an even higher speed. Hidden under this beard is a rather lovely scar stretching across my chin.

I’m not exactly sure why I told you this, other than this is part of me and my fabric. I remember the experience quite vividly, I remember the fragrance of the lilac bushes, and the bodacious trillium flowers in the orchard. I remember the gold/yellow bike with the banana seat and that I had to stop the pedals to brake, which was likely hard to do as I doubt my feet were any longer on the pedals, as they windmilled around at top speed.

Maybe if I hadn’t used the damned training wheels I wouldn’t have had the balance to smash into the tree. I’m pretty proud of that scar though, chicks dig scars (or so they say).

Damned. I started this off trying to frame a metaphor for what I want to talk about and got carried away in the bliss of memory. So I’ll get to the point.

At each point in my life I attempt to stand more fully on my feet, to be more and more the man that I am and whom I wish to be. This is how I do me. I’m propelled. I have an inner drive that has often been insatiable. As I write that, I reword it, I don’t like how real that is for me. I tell myself that I should relax more, be less driven, chill out bro, smell the roses, float the river. I’m learning to take the time to recharge and fill my bucket.

I’m digressing again. What is going on? First time I can let it slide. Second time… not so easily. I’m pretty excited about how I want to stand more fully on my feet now. And perhaps my excitement is bubbling and it’s coming out of my fingers as I type this.

So here it is.

A dear friend, Karla, texted me last week and said “wanna start another check-in group with me” I said “sure.” About 16 months ago I suggested the idea of creating a check-in group for those of us that had done either/or Phase 1 and 2 at The Haven in the fall of 2012. It ran its course and by the fall of 2013 we weren’t hosting groups anymore. I was a little perplexed about what she was talking about since I had a pretty good sense that something was up. When she called I got it.

What if we create a group where we actually take the time to get to know each other? Where we are given the opportunity to show ourselves and reveal ourselves and show up with who we are right now. I’ve often, and still do, tell myself that if you really knew all of me then you wouldn’t love me. I wrote a post (Update 35) that ties to this quite clearly for me. There are things that I will do that will make it really hard for you to like me. Yet, buried underneath the behaviour, the sanctity of love exists.

In some of my relationships I’ve had what I thought in the moment were the most atrocious acts bestowed on me. And man, did I ever hurt, and 9.9 times out of 10 I exhibited my own behaviour and reaction that was equally as atrocious. This is how I often get stuck, or get in my own way. I have friends and those that I love and those that love me that I connect with and reveal myself to and ask for feedback. Often I like to fool myself into thinking I need to do it all by myself. When I reach out to other, I learn that, holy doodle there are so many more perspectives and options than I had thought of.

What I’ve learnt for me is that often the most loving act someone can offer me, is to have the courage to say the thing that I don’t want to hear. I still rankle at the delivery of the message, and while I don’t always show it in the moment, I am often grateful for their honesty and loving later.  

So, I’m stepping forward without my training wheels (in this moment) with an understanding of how to steer, how to apply my brakes, and how to propel myself. This does not mean that I won’t crash, or tumble. It just means I’m willing to take that risk and explore.

When we talked about how we wanted the invitation to be worded we stumbled around the desire to make the intention sound palatable. I mean, talking about love and loving can sound pretty hoity toity, and come across as righteous and arrogant. As least those would be my judgements. And then, if we’re going to be as direct as calling the group ‘Taking off the training wheels’ we might as well be direct enough to say that we’re here with this intention to foster love and loving and allow for and invite the ways we get in our own way.

Karla and I are about to send an email with an invitation to this group. Please email me if you’re interested in joining and have not received the email from her or I in the next week or so.

If you’d like to learn more about Karla and how she stands forward visit her website, check out her art (and her expression of her soul) and her blog, on how she relates to defending herself from loving.

http://www.artistkarlaosborne.com/

FYI that is actually a picture of my brother on a bike not too different to the one I was on. 

Update 36:

Hmm. What to say today.

Reflecting on my adult life, I’ve noticed I would have said that I didn’t really like who I was. I mean I would have enjoyed whatever I was doing, surfing, skiing, hanging with friends, partying, dancing, travelling, the list goes on… and I wouldn’t have actually liked me as a person in those moments.

There always had to be something more, I had to be better in some way shape or form. Smarter, clearer, better at communication, a better job, or a different girlfriend. I just wasn’t good enough as the person I was in that moment. Not in the sense for another person, more, not good enough for me. I’d set some pretty high standards, and every time I achieved one, I’d set one higher, and if I didn’t achieve one I’d beat myself harder and set it higher still.

I feel tense and my breathing even shallows as I write this. Jesus, I was pushing myself. Striving, achieving, ugh… what a toll my body took in that. From the sports, to work, to stress, I really gave myself a workout for sure.

And now sitting here today after helping facilitate an intensive 25 day program focusing of self identity, self responsibility and self awareness, I am actually walking the talk. Man, I’ve been for one hell of a ride. I can appreciate and love who I am today. I have gratitude for my path thus far journeyed. I have so much compassion and appreciation for who I am and how I walk now.

Seventeen months ago I was a participant in this very program, that’s less than a year half. I was pretty shut down, fragmented, locked away, stuck, armoured and resistant to seeing who I am, how I be. I’ve been quite the asshole from time to time. I didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t want to see my shadow, nor the beasts lurking within.

Since that program I’ve been exploring my darkness, my shadow, and my light, and all the treasures that lay within. I’ve been a rocky road, barren landscapes, battlefields, and wounded soldiers, I haven’t been pretty, I wasn’t clean, I wasn’t linear or predictable. Now I’m wondering if my time in red has come to an end.

Three days ago, and I left after my first internship of that very program I started with. My how things have changed. How much I’ve grown, opened and experienced. I actually love who I am and how I show up these days. Sure I still have days where this isn’t my experience, but they’ve become more the exception than the norm.

The shift has been in my emotional landscapes. The rocky roads now graded, the barren landscapes tilled, sowed and fertile, battlefields commemorated, fallen soldiers grieved, the wars put in the museum. I still have areas I wish to explore, ways to improve, growing to continue; and, I’m with the experience that I actually like who I am today, with growth and learning which have shifted to a desire and want instead of a desperate need.

Update 35:

I might not like you,

in how you are and be,

but I really like you,

even love you for who you are as a person,

a being, a human, a human being.

Update 34:

It’s May, 2013, one in the morning on a beautiful spring evening. All is well in the Universe.

For the first time since I started this process I see another paradigm. I see a new landscape in which to live my life. It seemingly doesn’t actually matter where I am or what I do in this new paradigm. It’s f@#king beautiful. It’s abundant. It’s beautiful (I’m aware I’m repeating myself). It’s nothing like where I’ve been living for the past couple of decades.

I don’t have the answers. I am not all seeing. I can’t even see through my own veils of self and ego, all (or even a portion) of the time. At the same time I have a clearer picture, I see through the murky stew. I realize my soul. In this moment I pop my head up for air, and recognize that, contrary to what I may have thought, I wasn’t drowning. I can/could breathe and live even while in the stew. In that primordial stew I was/am learning and growing and preparing for the becoming of the man I wish to be, the man I actually am but have been hiding from.

Nepo said it well, I’ll paraphrase (sorry dude if I’m not doing you justice, but then in reality is there such thing as justice in this realm?? ;) )… When we are in the stormy seas that is life and we are on a crest to take a look around and survey the scene, acknowledge it, appreciate the experience of the crest and allow for it. Take the memory of the crest to our soul. When we follow the rhythm of our seas whether be crest or trough or anywhere in between we can remain in memory of this experience. Not so much to hold onto it; more remember the duality, or continuum that is life.

I’m being metaphoric and ambiguous. On purpose. This was my awakening. I am barely able to believe that it actually is happening. That there was purpose, meaning and value in this stew that I’ve created. This is a massive shift. I can hardly contain myself. I want to scream to the mountains that I am here! That my presence matters! That I MATTER! TO ME!!!!!!

I can live again!!

Update 33:

It’s been almost a year since my last post. It’s been one heck of a year. Again. This post will be interpreted as it will be, I’m learning I am not as omnipotent as I once thought and can’t actually decide how you will interpret it. The shine that I sometimes exude may not be there, and yet, deeper and more thoroughly it can be found if you look hard enough.

Simply put: I’m struggling. I’m struggling to stay afloat. I’m a boat adrift in an ocean, with waves crashing from each direction attempting vainly to capsize my vessel; the wind is unpredictable and threatens to wrench me from my hold. My rudder is ineffective and I keep trying to use power and it is of no use without the ability to direct myself. It’s almost a lost cause, yet the one thing keeping me from drowning is Faith. Faith that this is a storm in life. Faith that I will get through it. Faith that I am able.

Oh and it’s dark. There is little light and the waves so massive and looming that my sight is diminished. Somehow through it all I recognize that this is not actually a fight to survive, I know I can survive, it’s more than that; it is part of my journey in learning how to live. I have options. I can run. I can get away. I can call in a rescue. I have the money. I have the skills. AND it’s not about that, I do not want to do that.

 I just have to keep telling myself day-by-day, moment-by-moment, that this is my life. That I am learning. That the storm will abate. That I won’t need power. That I can sit in the strength of insecurity, knowing that survival I have down and living is my new challenge.

That being said, I want to tell you what the darkness is like. The intention behind telling you about the darkness is many-fold:

1. I believe that we all experience it at some time in our life, some more than others and that in hearing anothers experience it can perhaps allow some solace in yourself knowing that you are not alone.
2. I want to show you my self-hate, or at least what I know of it to date, perhaps it will give you a better insight into me.
3. In getting it out and expressing it, there is less of it that I repress.
4. To show you the self-compassion side of me when I’m in self-hate, as apparently it’s important not to remain fixated in self-hate, or perhaps in anything…

Self-hate (excuse the profanity, and if you can’t then don’t read further)

I hate my life. I hate being alone. I hate having so many fucking problems and issues to work through. I hate myself. I hate how I’ve let myself down so much, how I’ve minimized myself all to feel the love of another. I hate how I’ll abandon myself in pursuit of an intimate relationship. I hate how I’ll isolate myself in pretence of maintaining an intimate relationship. I fucking hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate everyone and everything. It’s all everyone else’s fault. It couldn’t all be resting on my shoulders could it? I want out. I don’t want to go to work in the morning. I don’t want to ski. I don’t want to surf. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to worry about food all the time and where I’ll get my next meal. Blah blah blah blah…

Self-compassion

I actually really do love my life. It’s pretty neat. I’ve been really blessed and have some amazing friends and a great family. I’m taking a journey that most don’t understand; I don’t think that even I do at times. I don’t know what lies in store for me around tomorrows corner. I can’t tell you what I’ll be doing in a week, in a month, in a year. I’m more than ok with that. Such is life. I’ve got great health, no aches, and no pains. I have friends that support and care about me. AND I choose this path. I want it. I don’t want to stay stuck in my old paradigms of survival. I’ve done that. They don’t work for life. I understand that pain is part of the pursuit. I accept it.

This is my life. I don’t know how to do it better than I am doing it. I am learning. I have a lot to learn. I am committed to learning, to growing, to conscious evolution. It is my path right now. It is taking a fairly intense toll on me, but no worse than any of the other paths I’ve taken in my varied past.

 I sit here in this moment wondering whether to post this or not. To what purpose will it serve? Am I doing it for others? If so, what is the intention? If I’m doing it for me, then again, what is the intention?

I sit and breathe. I get it. I want to post it for me, so that I can reach out and ask for love; so that I can be reminded from those that read this that they care. That’s it, I’m asking for love. In receiving your messages I have always found or interpreted that what you send is love; that you believe that I am worth it.

I look forward to the day that I deeply and inherently know this and don’t have to so field dependent and have to ask. AND I will also give myself a pat on the back for my awareness and acknowledgement of why I want to send this, for accepting the reason and for posting this with this knowing. YES! YES! YES! AND as importantly, I am letting go of the outcome, and offering space for you to have your reaction and/or response.

Update 32:

What an interesting and hopeful world this is!!! I am so grateful for all of the experiences that it offers me!!!! I want to share this most powerful one with you, but first; business.

I have to fill you in a bit. I have been writing the odd update here and there. But I haven’t posted them. I can’t really explain why, other than they just didn’t feel right. They started to sound more like rants and less helpful or entertaining and I felt there was no real benefit to putting them out to the world.

I am writing this one right now because I feel really good and would love to share that with you. In the past I’ve tried to share the feelings of ice cold showers on the side of a hill in the South of France; of the heat of the Sudanese desert; of the love of the Congolese and experiences in between.

Today I want to try to share the love that courses my veins. Hey, don’t get all lala on me ok. Try it out; hang in there! It’s not all lovey dovey harlequin romance jazz, there is some serious self-love going on too!!! Get your mind out of the gutter.

When I stopped working for MSF, I knew that what I needed to do was re-assimilate into the western world. My time abroad had taught me this super valuable lesson. Experiences in the heart of Africa taught me I had some personal growth to achieve if I was to ever be the man that I wanted to be in this world.

So I set forth on a journey to re-assimilate. I needed to find a job, I needed the security of a stable income and a job that I loved doing; a big part of my identity was tied up in my career. I somehow knew (trusted in the Universe) that when the time was right and I had stabilized myself, re-established friendships, assimilated into a community; that an opportunity would present itself that would enable the growth/personal evolution that I was seeking. I specifically remember telling my mother shortly before moving to Vancouver Island that something big would happen in my life in the next two years.

In a month two years will have come and gone. Something big has happened. A couple things actually.

1. I fell in love; and the lovely lady that I fell in love with somehow felt the same!!!

2. I was presented with personal challenges in this relationship that accelerated/were the catalyst for me returning to my previously mentioned journey of personal evolution.

3. I met an individual (Paul) that had/has the key to the block in personal growth that I’d kept running into and not been able to overcome; and then barrelled headfirst into this path of self-discovery. After all I want to offer this lovely lady and all that I come across my gifts, and not my past survival mechanisms.

So, I went to my first session with Paul two weeks ago. We found some hurt in me, hurt that no one caused. Experiences in my formative years that we all experience; or so I think… But I needed to come to terms with my past. I was tired of who I’d become. I wanted to offer more. I wanted to give my gifts but I kept running into that damned wall and not knowing how to get through it.

Paul helped me reprogram my brain, my synapses and my re-activities. His theory for me is that I’ve got survival down; so shift my raison d’etre from survival to spiritual well-being. So get rid of the past old programs that were helpful getting me to where I am today, but load new programs that I boot up every morning, midday and evening that focus on happiness, positivity, self worth and spiritual well-being.

This is my journey, not necessarily one that everyone can relate to. Perhaps some of this might be a bit hippy trippy for you, and hey man, no worries. It’s what I gots to do for me!!! If you’re interested; read on!

Paul and I quickly traced my 4-phase self-destructive cycle. It was pretty simple.

Phase 1: I liked to think of myself as a saviour. Batman. A Dark Knight. Protecting the good from the evil. Saving those in distress, those that need saving. It turns out it’s really difficult or possibly even impossible to save others from themselves. So I’d burn out and head into Phase 2.

Phase 2: I’d then turn into Daniel without Borders on the work front; since I couldn’t feel loved when Phase 1 didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. So to feel loved and appreciated, needed and wanted I’d say yes to anything at work. Hell yeah the arctic in the winter sounds awesome!!! What? No power, no running water? No worries man!! You need me, I’ll do it!!! Oh, while I’m up there you need me to do this too? Ok, sure. Oh and that as well? Of course, I’d love to… and on and on… until I snap and welcome Phase 3.

Phase 3: Bull in a china shop. Volatility, napalm. Burnt out Cowboy doesn’t feel loved because he isn’t able to set boundaries because he wants to be loved oh so bad… Cowboy didn’t know how to express himself and his feelings and emotions responsibly. Boom, blow up. Feel really guilty about it and head off to Phase 4.

Phase 4: Escapism. Chill out man. You can do this, all you need is love man! Yeah bud, with love you can conquer all right. Hey, just love a bit harder. Love a bit more and it’ll all come together man! Just be love man! Yeah, you’ve chilled out now, you can probably be Batman and save again!!! Enter Phase 1 all over again.

Paul and I both agreed that perhaps I could establish a new cycle that over-rides this old one. Perhaps a cycle could be established that allowed me to find self-worth anchored in myself and not in others interpretations in myself. Perhaps a cycle that has boundaries set within it that helps me value myself more. Perhaps a cycle that allows me to express my feelings and emotions responsibly. A cycle that has no need for escapism. Actually no more cycles.

Paul helped me remove this old cycle, helped me anchor my self-worth within, helped me say goodbye to Batman, Daniel without Borders, the Bull in the China Shop and escapism.

Through the past two weeks I’ve had opportunities that have tested each one of the old phases. While they still want to rear their ugly heads, I am confident in each instance and can respond with love, instead of an unguided reaction. It’s been an awesome and super positive two weeks. I’ve had a lot on my plate and have been able to juggle it all really well. Better than ever before.

And tonight. Well tonight, I was presented with a challenging situation where each element of the outdated cycle had the opportunity to come out and play. And wow, Cowboy, you did it!!! You were the well-rooted tree in the forest with winds that were trying to blow you down, yet you remain in place, unscathed, not a branch missing nor leaf separated from stem.

I am aware that there were still areas to grow, ways to better respond and communication that can improve. But for the first time in my life I walked the line!!! Cowboy Up!!!! Yeah.

I wanted to share this with you, because for me, hearing stories like this help me with hope, with faith. It’s all-attainable. It’s all-doable. Never give up. Persevere and your dreams become your reality. This is a post that I feel worthy of posting. I hope you enjoyed, or reflected, or felt that this was time well wasted!!! Cowboy out.

Update 28:

I’ve been living in Nanaimo for a day more than three weeks now. It seems much longer. I find that the first month in a new local is usually a tricky month. You don’t have true friends there yet. You have a pretty hefty set of expenses. You spend a fair amount of time alone. That gets tricky, especially if you’re a bit of a social individual. I’m not truly complaining though.

I’m not sure if you remember a posting I had from the Congo when I said something to the effect of “I feel as though I have to confront my fears so that they no longer remain my fears.” I haven’t really been calling friends or been letting many people know that I’m feeling a little bit alone here, for that reason. In a somewhat of a perhaps cynical outlook I wonder whether we are alone for the majority of life.

I don’t mean that we won’t be able to share our experiences along the way, and yes one always has their family, their friends, their lovers, their children, but these are all (for a lack of a better word) impermanent. The only permanence in your life is you. So I ponder aloneness. I think about my time here at the moment as a time “meant” to be alone. This period in my life appears to be a lesson in learning to rely on myself for strength and that the only person that can manage times of aloneness as equally as times of sharing is me.

It’s an interesting philosophy. It’s interesting for a number of reasons. Questions like to rear their heads in my brain. I wonder if this is a healthy outlook. I wonder who defines healthy. I wonder if this road that I am so drawn to is getting outdated and that if I went in search of a new map I might seek a different destination? Or whether or not I should ponder the destination?

It’s also interesting because I’ve always been the guy that voices what he’s thinking. I’m not afraid to talk about anything. I don’t dance around the issue. In that regard, keeping quite or attempting to find peace in moments/periods of aloneness is a bit contrary with much of my character. I feel a great inner strength when I can take times when I’m feeling alone and transform my attitude to acceptance and even appreciation.

On the contrary (and I’m not much into horoscopes) but I tend to check out The Globe and Mail’s “If Today Is Your Birthday” horoscope every year. A habit an old flame instilled into me. This years one is a bit intimidating, it says: “No matter how much pressure you find yourself under over the coming year there will always be people close at hand who you can turn to for advice and assistance. There are some big hearts out there, and some of them beat especially for you.”

To be honest here, I don’t really look forward to an amount of pressure that would make me turn to “hearts that beat for me.” I want to say I can do it by myself, but the old adage of taking your car to a mechanic is probably more intelligent than trying to do it yourself rings true again… dammit. In the end I reckon it’s all about balance. Balance in knowing when you can ask for help, and balance in knowing/trusting in yourself when to weather the storm.