Update 28:

I’ve been living in Nanaimo for a day more than three weeks now. It seems much longer. I find that the first month in a new local is usually a tricky month. You don’t have true friends there yet. You have a pretty hefty set of expenses. You spend a fair amount of time alone. That gets tricky, especially if you’re a bit of a social individual. I’m not truly complaining though.

I’m not sure if you remember a posting I had from the Congo when I said something to the effect of “I feel as though I have to confront my fears so that they no longer remain my fears.” I haven’t really been calling friends or been letting many people know that I’m feeling a little bit alone here, for that reason. In a somewhat of a perhaps cynical outlook I wonder whether we are alone for the majority of life.

I don’t mean that we won’t be able to share our experiences along the way, and yes one always has their family, their friends, their lovers, their children, but these are all (for a lack of a better word) impermanent. The only permanence in your life is you. So I ponder aloneness. I think about my time here at the moment as a time “meant” to be alone. This period in my life appears to be a lesson in learning to rely on myself for strength and that the only person that can manage times of aloneness as equally as times of sharing is me.

It’s an interesting philosophy. It’s interesting for a number of reasons. Questions like to rear their heads in my brain. I wonder if this is a healthy outlook. I wonder who defines healthy. I wonder if this road that I am so drawn to is getting outdated and that if I went in search of a new map I might seek a different destination? Or whether or not I should ponder the destination?

It’s also interesting because I’ve always been the guy that voices what he’s thinking. I’m not afraid to talk about anything. I don’t dance around the issue. In that regard, keeping quite or attempting to find peace in moments/periods of aloneness is a bit contrary with much of my character. I feel a great inner strength when I can take times when I’m feeling alone and transform my attitude to acceptance and even appreciation.

On the contrary (and I’m not much into horoscopes) but I tend to check out The Globe and Mail’s “If Today Is Your Birthday” horoscope every year. A habit an old flame instilled into me. This years one is a bit intimidating, it says: “No matter how much pressure you find yourself under over the coming year there will always be people close at hand who you can turn to for advice and assistance. There are some big hearts out there, and some of them beat especially for you.”

To be honest here, I don’t really look forward to an amount of pressure that would make me turn to “hearts that beat for me.” I want to say I can do it by myself, but the old adage of taking your car to a mechanic is probably more intelligent than trying to do it yourself rings true again… dammit. In the end I reckon it’s all about balance. Balance in knowing when you can ask for help, and balance in knowing/trusting in yourself when to weather the storm.