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Simply put: I’m struggling. I’m struggling to stay afloat. I’m a boat adrift in an ocean, with waves crashing from each direction attempting vainly to capsize my vessel; the wind is unpredictable and threatens to wrench me from my hold. My rudder is ineffective and I keep trying to use power and it is of no use without the ability to direct myself. It’s almost a lost cause, yet the one thing keeping me from drowning is Faith. Faith that this is a storm in life. Faith that I will get through it. Faith that I am able.
Oh and it’s dark. There is little light and the waves so massive and looming that my sight is diminished. Somehow through it all I recognize that this is not actually a fight to survive, I know I can survive, it’s more than that; it is part of my journey in learning how to live. I have options. I can run. I can get away. I can call in a rescue. I have the money. I have the skills. AND it’s not about that, I do not want to do that.
I just have to keep telling myself day-by-day, moment-by-moment, that this is my life. That I am learning. That the storm will abate. That I won’t need power. That I can sit in the strength of insecurity, knowing that survival I have down and living is my new challenge.
That being said, I want to tell you what the darkness is like. The intention behind telling you about the darkness is many-fold:
1. I believe that we all experience it at some time in our life, some more than others and that in hearing anothers experience it can perhaps allow some solace in yourself knowing that you are not alone.
2. I want to show you my self-hate, or at least what I know of it to date, perhaps it will give you a better insight into me.
3. In getting it out and expressing it, there is less of it that I repress.
4. To show you the self-compassion side of me when I’m in self-hate, as apparently it’s important not to remain fixated in self-hate, or perhaps in anything…
Self-hate (excuse the profanity, and if you can’t then don’t read further)
I hate my life. I hate being alone. I hate having so many fucking problems and issues to work through. I hate myself. I hate how I’ve let myself down so much, how I’ve minimized myself all to feel the love of another. I hate how I’ll abandon myself in pursuit of an intimate relationship. I hate how I’ll isolate myself in pretence of maintaining an intimate relationship. I fucking hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate everyone and everything. It’s all everyone else’s fault. It couldn’t all be resting on my shoulders could it? I want out. I don’t want to go to work in the morning. I don’t want to ski. I don’t want to surf. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to worry about food all the time and where I’ll get my next meal. Blah blah blah blah…
Self-compassion
I actually really do love my life. It’s pretty neat. I’ve been really blessed and have some amazing friends and a great family. I’m taking a journey that most don’t understand; I don’t think that even I do at times. I don’t know what lies in store for me around tomorrows corner. I can’t tell you what I’ll be doing in a week, in a month, in a year. I’m more than ok with that. Such is life. I’ve got great health, no aches, and no pains. I have friends that support and care about me. AND I choose this path. I want it. I don’t want to stay stuck in my old paradigms of survival. I’ve done that. They don’t work for life. I understand that pain is part of the pursuit. I accept it.
This is my life. I don’t know how to do it better than I am doing it. I am learning. I have a lot to learn. I am committed to learning, to growing, to conscious evolution. It is my path right now. It is taking a fairly intense toll on me, but no worse than any of the other paths I’ve taken in my varied past.
I sit here in this moment wondering whether to post this or not. To what purpose will it serve? Am I doing it for others? If so, what is the intention? If I’m doing it for me, then again, what is the intention?
I sit and breathe. I get it. I want to post it for me, so that I can reach out and ask for love; so that I can be reminded from those that read this that they care. That’s it, I’m asking for love. In receiving your messages I have always found or interpreted that what you send is love; that you believe that I am worth it.
I look forward to the day that I deeply and inherently know this and don’t have to so field dependent and have to ask. AND I will also give myself a pat on the back for my awareness and acknowledgement of why I want to send this, for accepting the reason and for posting this with this knowing. YES! YES! YES! AND as importantly, I am letting go of the outcome, and offering space for you to have your reaction and/or response.
12 comments:
Here is a hug full of love for you Daniel! You are not alone in your struggles. Something is brewing in the air, something important has to happen. There is a lot of uncertainty in people minds and hearts at the moment. The collective energy of struggling to find a meaningful paths, meaningful relationships and just simply meaning in live will create something beautiful. All we have to do is believe and be nice to ourselves.
Hang on, Dan! You friends are always on your side, thinking of you time to time, so hang on.
DEA,
We miss you over here. If you feel the need, you know you're always welcome. I too have struggled to deal with minimizing myself for the sake of others (kidlets mostly). Part of me wants to reclaim my own life, and part of me realizes I have to express myself through my relationship with them. Also, you mentioned power being useless without the ability to steer. It occurred to me as I read that, a rudder is even more useless when you refuse to apply power. Good luck homey.
It's been almost a year since we spoke. I still care about you. Not sure what else to say... you know me... need to process it all. Rubes.
Working on my own valley over here as I struggle to find meaningful work, and what some people are calling "right livelihood". It's been an onslaught of rejection, and I feel beat up. But the bruises heal, and I try again.
Do you know this idea of bifurcation in systems theory. It's this idea that a system's equilibrium will collapses under certain conditions only to be reborn, perhaps better and stronger. Like the way water will approach 0 degrees, and then all of sudden become ice; it doesn't happen gradually, it happens instantaneously.
I'm not sure what I am writing, but I have to believe there is some sort of rebirth just on the horizon, and that to get there there will be some real struggle.
p.s. Would love to grab a drink next time you are in town!!
Hi Daniel, Kim here. Or 'Linda'. Whatever name works best! ;)
Rivetted by this post and wishing you nothing but goodness and beauty even as the journey proves difficult.
As heard in a well-known song once: 'gotta kick at the darkness til' it bleeds daylight'. Keep at it, I'm blessed to have met you. Love to you, my friend.
Hey Dan,
As cheesy as this sounds, it's the the truth: we all feel this way at some point.
As I read your post I kept thinking "did I write this?!?" You've inspired me to, in the least, write down my thoughts, because even just reading yours made me feel more normal.
Cheers, and lets grab a drink when you're in town.
-M
Daniel, I love you bud. It's inspirational how you search for meaning in life and life fulfilment and how open you are to sharing it with us. You are also such a caring and dependable and fun friend. We all tend to beat ourselves up (and severely so, at times), and life also tends to throw in some extra punches when we are already down for the count(I know you have dusted me off a few times when I've fallen down). You are not alone, and great things are around the corner. So lean on us whenever you need to, let yourself 'be' exactly where you are in each moment (let that be enough sometimes) and allow the current to take you where it may (in my experience, it's the worst storms that push us to some of the best places in life), and please try to see yourself through our eyes when you are being hard on yourself (because we think you are great). love, Kara
Hi Danzy - maybe you have just been fooled by the appearance of being separated from love (our love, your self love), but fundamentally it is always there?
And here's a excerpt that made me think of you recently:
"May we all learn that pain is not the end of the journey, and neither is delight. We can hold them both-indeed hold it all-at the same time, remembering that everything in these quixotic, unpredictable, unsettled and unsettling, exhilarating and heart-stirring times is a doorway to awakening in sacred world."
(From Pema Chodron's book Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change) xo H
Hang in there Daniel!
As always, great to get your post.
I think we all have moments of self doubt, even hate. I tell myself 'this too will pass' and keep on trucking.
Your life has been more exciting than most in the past (just read your blog) don't let the drudgery of 9 to 5 get you down.
Take care of what you can control, forget what is beyond your control, the rest will come to you.
D.
You could use a proofreader/editor, your grammar is shocking (a bit like a bear with a honey pot, he might get all the honey out but that pot is going to end up broken).
Your voice does come across and one is able to comprehend the style (that being [hopefully] natural) but the subtleties of the subject which you broach are lost just as the poor old farmer looses his pot to the hungry bear.
The heavy handedness which you employ in the post that this comment refers to makes one wonder whether you have sharpened your knives lately.
Your honesty is refreshing and the idea that hate for oneself is inextricably linked to the actions (words included) of another Being is intriguing and worthy of more study for if this is true then the conclusion that love for oneself is also contingent upon other Beings is not far behind, therefore making the natural unmolested state of an individual Being, that is to say, a Being without contact with any other Being, one of non-concern... hmmm I wonder what Rousseau would think of that! Free, Equal and Compassionate is the natural state of the human no longer! Though without any contact with other Beings is one still human? Perhaps Rousseau is not dead in the water yet. Speaking of dead in the water, I'm looking forward to the all-inclusive ferry trip this weekend, how many burgers can a person eat on one ferry ride? how many lattes can one drink? And how many quarters can be spent on Time Crises? Do they have a massage parlor on the boat? Fear not, these difficult life questions do have answers which can be provided to you for a price, my guess is 42. Dollars. 42 dollars. (If you don't get the 42 reference it is because you haven't read The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, if this is the case please remedy the situation asap, and watching the movie doesn't count.). That is all.
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